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I have discovered the secret to failure. Since it is my habit to share, I couldn’t imagine keeping it to myself. Failure is easy, and fairly foolproof. Anyone can do it with the least possible effort. First, write a book. Make it a book of short stories that center around a theme. Make it unmarketable. It doesn’t have to be bad short stories: it just shouldn’t fit into any particular genre. Try an interesting mix of horror, dark humor, and straight fiction. Read all sorts of advice that says you need an agent to succeed. Try to get an agent. Discover that agents really hate short stories. Get a lot of rejections, including one addressed to someone else (Renee Rule – if you’re out there, they weren’t interested in you either). After enough rejections to fill a filing cabinet, decide to spend your own money to self-publish. Create a basic marketing plan based on the understanding that you don’t expect to make money, but hope that you may be able to sell a few copies, and come close to breaking even. Watch the marketing plan get torpedoed, beginning when the convention that was meant to be your launch into the market that gets canceled a week before it was scheduled because someone ran off with the money and left the organizer in the lurch. Find out that you’re pregnant (This applies only to females, and those adventurous males who are interested in getting into the Weekly World News). Spend over four months being constantly tired and nauseous. Review your marketing plan. Revise it. Do nothing on the new marketing plan because you’re too busy being tired and nauseous. Look at the boxes of books sitting in the spare room. Realize that you paid to print them. Give the books away to friends, family, and the occasional writer. Get a great reception from everyone. Have published authors tell you how much they like your work, and ask for more. Don’t give them anything because you’re too busy being tired and nauseous. Once you’ve ignored your contacts and accomplished nothing on your marketing plan, start feeling better. Call a local bookstore and ask about doing a book signing. Explain you’ll cover all costs and advertising – all you want is a place to sit. Get rejected because “independent books are too hard to market.” Call two more local bookstores, who are thrilled to have you. Sign books. Sell books. Realize it isn’t quite as much of a failure as you thought. Start writing another book.
K.S.S. Chasalow was a Jersey girl before getting smart and moving to Texas. She’s been writing all of her life, and looks forward to continuing the trend. To learn more, or see other works, visit www.fromtheasylum.com.
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