Forgiveness Tracks
By Michael Egenolf

   Tracks. Long, dusty, desolate. These tracks have become my friends over these many dark nights. There’s a simple order to them: Two rows of four-gauge steel and a tie-rod every eighteen inches. Order. Simplicity. It’s like its own mini universe right there in front of you- yet goes on as far as the eye can see.

I’ve left my share of rubber behind on these tracks. Boots worn thin with the memories. Mile upon countless mile. Funny though, days become weeks, yet every time I look up, the stars are all right there - present and accounted for, and they haven’t moved an inch!  Humbles you, don’t you think?

There’s a real comfort here, between the rails. Like tour-guides to the soul, they show me the way around every mountain that stands before me, guiding me left and right and on into forever. They lead me to my future. To my redemption. To my salvation.

Days upon days - alone with my thoughts. I can hardly remember the feel of human contact: the sound of a laugh, a cry, the taste of a tear. My own tears never come. I won’t allow myself the indulgence, the relief. Not just yet.

I miss the sun, as well. I miss its radiance on my face, warming my soul, bringing me life.  I shed no tear for that loss either.

My thoughts wander, winding in and out, up and around, through the dark tunnels of my mind. Over tall bridges that will never see a river flow beneath them. Up, around, and over goes my mind. Just like these tracks.

I wonder what is to become of me. I wonder what will happen to the tracks. I take comfort in this thought. I may end, but these tracks will go on forever. They've survived this long... I’d say they were out-of-the-woods so to speak.

I close my eyes. Listen. Can you hear it? The cacophony of life in evidence like no where else on God’s green—

Anyway... I miss the woods too. I can still hear it in my mind, smell it on my lips, taste it with my soul. The soft brown earth, lush green trees. Crickets, birds, snapping twigs, scampering rabbits. Mother Nature’s overture in the orchestra of life. Yes! Maybe I’ll miss that the most!

No. The Children.

The dear, sweet children. Running, laughing, playing, crying, singing, jumping, giggling, loving unconditionally. The earth’s nectar was its children. Bursting with life. Sustaining. Growing. Becoming.

Only sometimes the nectar turns sour. The fruit gone bad. The becoming - something altogether terrifying.

I became.

It was all so simple, so orderly, so… universal.  It practically formed itself.  The seed of an idea. Self-germinating. I only gave it the slightest nudge. And sent the roller coaster of life hurtling down the tracks. But these tracks weren’t finished yet. They didn’t fade away into forever. They stopped dead in the abyss of damnation.

Why is man’s greatest accomplishment always his greatest undoing. Man sought to perfect! He sought to out-perform - to make better. All for the good of man. Then, man sought to protect that knowledge from his fellow man. Then he used such knowledge to destroy his fellow man seeking that same knowledge.

I laugh. Sure, I could say, “I was acting under orders.” But who would I tell it to. Who would care.

I knew what it was capable of. I did it to see if I could, not thinking if I should.

So now I walk these tracks. On and on into forever.

The dust clouds are particularly thick today. And hot - but here’s the kicker… it’s a dry heat!

Every drop of water is gone.

My little fusion device of death. It did what they said could never be done. Does that make me a genius? Some kind of hero? My conscience can’t even begin to comprehend the enormity.

I did the test. I’m the only one who took precautions. Well, needless to say, the test was a huge success.

I killed everything.

Every molecule of Hydrogen on the planet - converted, except mine. No water. No life. Except mine.

Just these tracks. At least I know they’ll never rust.

Why no tears? You ask.  Well, in another day or two I should reach the Pacific basin. Used to be the most peaceful place on Earth. I’m going to get down on my hands and knees before her and beg forgiveness.

Then I’m going to cry until I fill her back up again.